Just Trying
by Kat-of-the-Streets
Summary: Slight Series 5 Spoilers (although things did not happen this way on the show) Modern AU about Robert and Cora going through a divorce. Told from Robert's perspective. Oneshot.


I wrote this a few days ago and I have no idea how good it really is. It might be a bit rushed, but I wanted it to be a oneshot.

Let me know what you think!

Thank you!

Kat

* * *

><p>He keeps searching for his phone in panic. He never knows where it is and as usual only finds it after it has stopped ringing. But it was Mary, so he calls her back straight away.<p>

"Dad?" she asks.

"No," he says. "The police."

"Dad, that is not a good joke."

"Sorry," he says. Mary is of course right. Ever since the police called her to tell her of Matthew's accident, she has been scared of getting phone calls with bad news. Matthew made it through, of course, but it has left it scars on Mary.

"What is it, Mary?"

"I just wanted to let you know that Mum is coming tonight as well."

"Why?"

"Because it is my birthday."

"She came all the way from New York just for your birthday?"

"Yes. No. Maybe. She was scheduled to come to London anyway. But I think she tweaked her schedule to make it fit. Does it matter?" Mary sounds slightly wary of him and he understands why. All his daughters think that their parents' separation and impending divorce are his fault.

"Well, thanks for the warning. And I'll see you tonight, my darling girl." He hangs up and then kicks against his desk. He really does not want to see Cora. The last time they met was Christmas Day and they almost ripped each other's heads off within two minutes of seeing each other. And she had brought that Bricker fellow. Into his house. Admittedly, he does not live at the Abbey, but the family still celebrates Christmas there and when his girls begged him to invite their mother he could not resist them, but when he saw that Cora had brought that idiot of an art history professor with her, he regretted not being able to withstand his three grown-up daughters.

Cora and he split five years ago, when Cora caught him in bed with his secretary. It really was stupid of him to take that woman to bed in the first place, Cora had been away on a business trip herself, the art gallery had sent her to New York and she did offer him to come with her, but he said he had to work and because it had been the seventh week long business trip she had to take within less than four months, he had felt lonely and then somehow that secretary had ended up in his bed. And Cora caught them.

They gave their marriage another change, but Cora could not trust him anymore, and so three months later, she moved out. They only filed for divorce after last Christmas because until then he had been reluctant and Cora didn't push him too much because she just did not want to fight with him. But after Christmas she insisted on a divorce and he had known that she was right. There was no hope left for them. That was five months ago. If she is coming to London now, they should be able to finalize the divorce, they have been separated for much longer than a year after all.

.

.

"I suppose your mother is bringing that Bricker fellow again."

"Of course she is. Dad, he's been in her life for three years now, I wouldn't be surprised if they got married eventually."

If it wasn't Mary's birthday, he'd leave right away now, but he does not want to disappoint his daughter that much, so he looks at Edith and Sybil for help. Both of them nod in agreement with Mary.

"So you too think that I should just accept that professor."

"Yes, dad. And it is your fault after all." Again he has to grab a hold on himself to not explode. It is not just his fault. Cora just didn't care anymore, at least not as much as she used to care about him. And he needed physical closeness. Of course ever since that fateful night, he has not had any sort of physical closeness with anyone, except for one disastrous night with Cora during the months they tried to save their marriage, but that is a night he wants to forget almost as much as the night with that secretary.

His stomach turns into a knot when he hears Cora's and Bricker's voice in the hallway. He had hoped that Bricker would fall down the stairs and not be able to come. Of course Cora and that prancing swan walk into the room holding hands and it almost makes him throw up. It should be he who is holding her hand. And that cad kisses her before they sit down for dinner. He wants to punch him in the face.

The evening is horrible for him. The idiot flirts with Cora in a way that is not fit for company. He keeps touching her knee when everyone can see it, he keeps kissing her, he touches her head all the time and makes references to things he wants to do in bed with her. Not just in front of her daughters and their respective boyfriends and husbands, but also in front of her husband. Of course he won't be Cora's husband that much longer, but still, Bricker's behavior is more than just below the belt.

Once he is home again, he throws himself onto his bed and keeps punching his pillow. A pillow that Cora slept on for countless nights. Maybe he should move. He still lives in the house they lived in together for almost thirty years and everything reminds him of her. And he hates that. It used to comfort him, it used to let him hope for a reconciliation, but after tonight, he knows there is no hope anymore.

.

.

"Mr. Crawley? Your wife is here to see you." He is rather surprised by this, but tells his secretary to let her in.

"It is still weird for me to hear someone call you Mr. Crawley."

"I am always called that at work. I am only called Lord Grantham in social situations. But of course you know that." She smiles at that and it makes his heart skip a beat and he hates himself for that. "What do you want?" he asks her a lot more unfriendly than necessary.

"I wanted to apologize for last night. Simon, I don't know what got into him."

"So you did not enjoy that."

"Let's say he is lucky that or hotel room has a couch. Otherwise he would have slept on the floor last night." He wants to jump into the air and cheer but of course he can't. But he can't help grinning either.

"You must have been rather mad then."

"Yes." Cora looks around herself and her eyes fall on a picture on the wall. It shows both of them with their girls about ten years ago. They all look happy on it.

"Can I take you to lunch?"

"What?" He can't believe it. Why would she want take him out for lunch?

"As an apology. For last night. I knew Simon's behavior made you very uncomfortable."

"Alright then." So he takes his jacket and leaves with her. Without talking about it, they walk towards their favorite restaurant in this area. It actually is a pub, but they both enjoy pub food and a cider from time to time, so it really is not a question for them.

"Won't Mr. Bricker miss you?" he asks her after they have both ordered.

"I don't know. To be honest Robert, it is not going that well."

He doesn't trust himself to say more than "oh?" because if he tried to say an actual sentence, it would be 'That is the best news I have heard in the past five years. Would you go to dinner with me tonight? And then come home with me?' but of course he can't say any of that.

"No. We want different things. Or rather we have different ideas of what is important in a relationship."

Again, all he dares himself to say is "oh?" but apparently that is enough to encourage Cora to continue speaking.

"You know Robert, we have different ideas of what love is. Simon thinks that having sex five times a week and groping me in public is love."

"And you don't agree." He knows she doesn't.

"No. Not anymore. It was exciting for a while because it was, well, different. But I think it has lost its appeal for me." He wants to thank the heavens and he silently does.

"So, are you thinking about breaking it off?" He prays for her to say yes.

"Yes. But I am afraid of being alone again. That's why I haven't done it yet." He takes her hand, he can't stop himself.

"You won't ever have to be alone. I'll be there for you. Call me in the middle of the night if you need to talk to someone. Let me know if you want someone to go the cinema with you." She looks at him incredulously.

"I live in New York." He wishes that wasn't true. He wants to beg her to come live with him again, in their house, where they were happy.

"Then I'll come to New York. We couldn't go anywhere spontaneously, but I can always be there within less than a day." Cora's mouth opens and closes a few times before she is actually able to speak.

"You'd fly all the way to New York just to take me to the movies?"

"Of course I would."

There are tears in her eyes now and he thinks about getting up and sitting next to her and hug her, but he is scared of it.

"Thank you Robert. I don't deserve that. Not after last night."

"You saw me do much worse."

"And I left you for it." He isn't sure, but he thinks there might have been a twinge of regret in her voice. Although that might have been wishful thinking on his side.

"Cora, I," but the food is brought to them and somehow the moment has gone. Cora then proceeds to tell him about her life in New York, though what surprises him is that she seems to spend more than half her time in London and most of it without Bricker. Eventually, their talk turns to their girls and their two wonderful grandchildren whom they both adore more than anything. He can't remember ever having had a more delicious lunch and he talks Cora into sharing a desert with him. They stay for one more cider afterwards and he only realizes that they've spent more than three hours in the pub when his secretary calls him to tell him that he apparently missed an appointment with Matthew. He calls Matthew to apologize, and his son-in-law says "I know who you went to lunch with. I'll take care of your appointments for the rest of the day."

When he tells Cora this, she laughs and says "well, let the boy dream." And it is not just Matthew who dreams.

He and Cora go for a walk afterwards and he lets Cora talk him into walking across the millennium bridge. He doesn't know how it happened, but by the time they've reached the other side, they are holding hands.

"I am sorry Robert, but I have to get back to the hotel. Simon wants to go out tonight. Although I don't think I can eat that much anymore."

"Then cancel." He wants her to stay with him. And she hasn't let go of his hand yet.

"No Robert. This was wonderful. Talking to you. Being with you. But I don't think that I should cancel my date night with Simon. Don't get me wrong. And don't be disappointed."

"No," he says. Of course he is disappointed and it isn't easy for him to hide his tears. He watches her get into the taxi and seeing her being driven away feels as if he had had to say goodbye to her forever.

.

.

He spends the evening with Matthew and Tom. He asked them to come over and watch the game with him. He just couldn't stand being alone, but he also couldn't stand his daughters asking him why he did not want to be alone, and so watching football with his sons-in-law seemed the best options. But they leave, eventually, and then again it is just him, in that house that is far too big. He wonders if Mary and Matthew or Tom and Sybil would like to move into it. Or maybe even Edith. She doesn't have anyone too serious, but that could certainly change, her current boyfriend seems nice and keen.

When he hears someone enter the house in the middle of the night, he supposes it to be one of his girls. Ever since Mary moved out, he has told his girls that he'd much rather have them stay over spontaneously than have them walk across London in the middle of the night.

Only after about half an hour does he realize that it can't be one of the girls. It does not sound like any of them. It sounds like Cora and he wonders if he is actually dreaming. She may of course still have a key, he can't remember her ever giving it back to him and the house still belongs to her as well in any case. So he gets up and calls out for her and she comes out of the upstairs guest bathroom.

"Robert, I am so sorry. I didn't want to wake you." Her eyes are read and puffy and she looks as if she had been through hell.

"Darling, are you alright?" When she looks at the floor and shakes her head, he feels as if he was falling into a bottomless pit. He walks towards her and puts his arms around her.

"Would you like to tell me about it?"

"You are not the person to bother with this." It breaks his heart.

"That is exactly who I am. I know you don't want me as your husband anymore, and maybe that is what I deserve. But I can still be your friend." She nods against him and without thinking he leads her into what used to be their bedroom.

"I chucked him," she chokes out.

"And he didn't take it too well." She only shakes her head and he lets her cry.

"He knew I had lunch with you. He saw us walking across the Millennium Bridge. He followed me. He saw what we did."

"We didn't do anything."

"We held hands. And he was sure that it was more than just that. He does not trust me at all. He wanted me to finalize the divorce this week. I told him it wasn't his decision but that I could not stay with him. He accused me of wanting to be with you again." All the floodgates have opened for her now and she has trouble breathing, so he begins to stroke her back, the way he used to do with their girls when they were little. Eventually she keeps on talking. "I had to leave. The hotel did not have another room, but I still have a key for this house and I thought you wouldn't really mind. Not after today."

"Of course I don't mind. I am glad you came here. I'd much rather have you come here in the middle of the night than have you go around London, looking for a hotel."

He has guided her to the bed now and sits down next to her.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

She looks at him with a pleading look in her eyes and he knows what she wants and he knows that he can't give it to her. He would like to, of course, but they'd both be hurt endlessly.

"No Cora. That would be a very bad idea."

"I suppose it would be," she says and moves closer to him.

"Cora I can't." Her face is coming tantalizingly close to his.

"Of course not." Her actions are contrary to what she says.

"However much I might want to." Their lips touch and he wants to make love to her, he wants to give her what she wants. So very much. And he is about to take her shirt off when she moves away.

"You are right. We can't." He is disappointed for a moment, but of course they can't. They can't hurt each other that much.

"No. You should probably go to bed."

"I'll stay up, I can't sleep by myself, I'd be crying my heart out." He knows he is making this night impossibly difficult for himself, but he does not want his wife to be crying her heart out.

"Then sleep in here."

"Are you sure?" He is sure that this will lead to a disaster.

"Yes. Just to sleep though."

"Of course." She smiles at him, moves to her side of the bed, gets under the covers and then whispers a heartbreaking "Thank you. And goodnight."

When his alarm clock rings the next morning, he thinks that he is still dreaming, because Cora is sleeping so close to him that their bodies touch and sometime during the night, he must have put an arm around her. Despite the fact that he would like to stay just like this and pretend that Cora and he are alright, he gently disentangles himself from her. He leaves her a note, telling her that he has gone to work, when the maid and the cook will come, that she could ask the cook to prepare whatever meals she wants and to just feel at home.

When he returns, he finds Cora on the couch, wearing a pair of his sweats and one of his old uni sweatshirts. It makes him want to kiss her.

"The cook is sick," she says by way of greeting him. "And I thought we could order pizza. I did not feel like going shopping."

"Sure," he says. "And hello to you too. And yes you may wear my clothes." She laughs and then says "Well, you told me to feel at home."

"I suppose I did."

He orders the pizza for them, gets changed into more comfortable clothes himself, brings the plates, forks, knives, glasses and a bottle of wine into the living room and plops down next to his wife on the sofa.

"I assume you are going to stay here for one more night." She looks at him a little shocked.

"I thought you wouldn't mind."

"I don't mind. You can stay as long as you like."

"Thank you darling." He knows she didn't realize what she said but it still gives him more hope than he has ever had.

They spend the evening eating pizza and drinking wine and watching reality TV shows and making fun of the people on those shows. Because they have both drunken a bit more than they should, they lose their inhibitions and sit a lot closer than they should.

"Believe it or not Robert, that was the best evening I've had in the last five years." It makes him chuckle because he thinks the same.

"Well, we haven't spent an evening in front of the TV together for quite a long time."

"You are the only man I'd ever spent an evening like this one with. I couldn't do that with anyone else." He puts and arm around her shoulder and she leans against him.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because eating Pizza in front of TV in your sweats means that you have to be very comfortable around the other person."

"Well, I am glad you still are that comfortable around me." She looks up at him and smiles.

"More than that, Robert. So much more than that." Her eyes sparkle with more than just the effects of the wine. He knows he is making a mistake and that he won't be able to stop it this time, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care how much he will hurt himself. He leans forward and captures his wife's lips with his own.

"Oh god," she whispers against him and it makes his insides turn into a knot.

"Cora," he says while she kisses him senseless and touches him everywhere.

"I don't want to stop."

"I only wanted to suggest going upstairs. The bed will be much more comfortable." Cora only murmurs her agreement and he pulls her upstairs, into their bedroom.

"That was," but he doesn't know how to go on. Before he took Cora into their bedroom, he had thought that he would be hurt in the end, that he would be making love to her while she would just sleep with him, but he isn't so sure, not anymore.

"mind-blowing," Cora finishes for him. "An eye-opener".

He hardly dares to ask, but he needs to know. "What has it opened your eyes to?"

"That maybe we should think twice about the divorce."

He pulls her on top of him and looks into her eyes. "I am very glad to hear you say that."

She smiles at him and puts her hands into his hair.

"Was it always like this Robert?"

"I don't know. But I think so. At least most of the time."

"Do you think we can have that back? Can we go back to what we were?" She looks so hopeful now, just as she did when she thought he would propose to her, more than three decades ago. And in that moment it hits him that she must still love him just as much he loves her.

"Do you still love me, Cora?"

"I can't believe I am saying this, but yes. I do love you. Very much. I don't know why it took me five years to realize it. But I think I never stopped loving you."

"Then we can go back to what we were. Because I love you very much too. So very much."

Their lips meet again and they get lost kissing each other, and Robert knows that Cora feels what he feels. They are reveling in the fact that they have finally found what they have been trying to find for the past five years.


End file.
